Wednesday, March 6, 2013

Frailty, Thy Name is Mommy

Perhaps there is no better word associated with motherhood than "guilt".  Any mom who hasn't felt guilt must be so steeped in selfishness that she'll never find her way out.  But I suspect those moms are rare.  For most of us, it is a way of life.  It is unfortunate but it is true.  The days when I feel like a rockin' mom are few and far between.

There is just always something to worry about. I worry about my children eating healthy food.  I worry about  taking good care of their teeth.  I worry about if I'm giving them a good education here at home. I worry that they don't get out enough or have enough friends.  I worry that they don't do enough chores. That they aren't content with what they have.  That their clothes don't always match. That I can't braid my girls' hair.  That I don't read them all the right books.  That they hate me.  That they won't go to college.  That  kids will be cruel to them. That adults will be cruel to them.

But mostly, I worry that I will destroy them.  And that is the root of the guilt.  The cavities- my fault.  The math struggles- my fault.  The strong will- my fault.  The bad attitude- my fault.

My daily helping of guilt and worry is enough to feed the whole neighborhood.  There are some nights I sink into bed and can think of nothing good to say about the day.  Tomorrow looks bleak and full of more of the same messing up on my part.

Thankfully, I know the truth. God handpicked me to be the mother of my children. I've got a  Father in heaven and an encouraging husband to help remind me of that.  And my children are extremely forgiving.  When the day seems like a failure, it really isn't.  The next morning, mercies are new.

The guilt I feel definitely doesn't come down from heaven.  It's my own insecurities, and an icky sense of pride that thinks I should strive for being the perfect mom, something I could never even possibly come close to no matter what.  Especially compared to all the other moms.

Yes, a lot of the guilt I feel gets heaped on me by other  moms.  It is usually not on purpose.  Sometimes it's just the difference between an extroverted, social, soccer mom and... me, the introverted homebody.  I see the mom who does so much so well and feel bad that taking my children to the library for an hour exhausts me.  Sometimes the guilt comes from thoughtlessness, however.  Maybe a not very nice look at me and my child who is struggling to calm down.  Maybe a comment about homeschoolers.  Maybe it's something said about how good moms don't.... (fill in the blank).


As frail as we all are as moms, we still seem to have very strong opinions about how children should be raised.  I think it is good to be convinced in our own minds about how we want our children raised and to have a mission for our family.  But why does that make it so much easier to convince ourselves that everyone should do the same things we do and make the same choices we make?  When we are sure of ourselves, we tend to be sure others need to follow our example.  From the way we feed our children to how we treat them medically to how we educate them to how we discipline them.  Why do we feel the need to get everyone to do what we do?

Sometimes we are simply passionate.  We've read the facts, the research, the book.  Sometimes we've had great success with the diet, the discipline, the treatment.  Our intention is not to belittle, but to help.  But there can be a point when we step over the line of love.  We are being  influenced more by judgement and condemnation towards others than we are by being helpful and loving.  I deeply appreciate advice that is coming from a mom who has a heart full of love and compassion for other moms.  Who gets that I am weak and frail and that I genuinely want to do what is best for my children, but sometimes I just don't know the way.  But they also trust that I will seek God and HIS way for raising the ones that have been entrusted to me.

As moms, we question ourselves all the time.  Is my child this way because of that glass of wine I drank?  Because I let them get that shot? Because I didn't let them sleep in our bed? Because I stopped nursing at five months?  Because I sent them to public school?  Because of me?

I have found that the Lord is so much bigger than my "mistakes".  He has stood in the way of me and the dangers of far greater things than popping an ibuprofen when I was pregnant. Thankfully he does the same for my children.  He is powerful enough to stand between them and the dangers of all the things I worry about as a mom.  Even the things that came to them by me.  My decisions are not sovereign, HE IS.

It's time to rest in the Lord.  It's time to stop beating ourselves up and also to stop beating other moms up.  I often recall a favorite line from the book Crazy Love by Francis Chan.  "God is a creator, not a duplicator."  He did not intend for every family to look the same.  There is no detailed formula for being the best mom.  Only this: love, sacrifice, pray, trust, rest.  If we exhort and encourage other moms to do just these things, we will not be in error.





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