Notes From a Not-So-Cute Pregnant Lady

At the start of this pregnancy, I had high ideals. I always do.

I was going to eat the Trim Healthy Mama way. (Essentially, no fat with carbs and always protein).

I was going to look cute. Every single day.  Do my hair. Do my make-up.  Wear something nice. Every. Single. Day.

I was going to savor every little moment of pregnancy.

I don't know how many days I went before reality set in.  Maybe I even went weeks.  My first trimester wasn't too exhausting.  I didn't gain very much weight, though my belly popped unexpectedly soon.  I was tan because it was summer.  I had been running and lifting weights, so my body felt strong and ready for this.

But I was ravenous, as I always am in the first trimester.  But then I'd eat and feel nauseous.  Everything I thought I wanted to eat, after I ate it... I never wanted to see it again.  I still feel that way about the Mexican place we ate.  At the time, it was great.  Now? Never again.

First trimester craving for Mexican food.  Oh those chile relanos were delish...  But how can I ever go back without flashbacks of early pregnancy nausea?

I wasn't exhausted, but I was tired by noon. And it hasn't let up, even now that I'm in my third trimester.

I'll be honest. I've got varicose veins.  First time ever.  I've got melasma (the mask of pregnancy)- dark circles under my eyes due to hormones.  I look exhausted and pale, even after applying foundation and bronzer.  My digestive system is whack.  Nuff said on that.

The truth is, there is no season quite like pregnancy to lose control.  My meaning is two-fold.  You'll have no choice, no control over so many things.  So you might as well give up control. Lose it.  Let it go.

I would never choose the things that are ailing me and disfiguring me.  I certainly wouldn't choose the placenta previa, the low amniotic fluid, the blood pressure that's higher than normal.  I wouldn't choose the c-section.

Even though I've made many wise choices this pregnancy regarding supplements I take, medications I don't take, foods I'm eating for nutritional quality, and getting enough rest, none of it has prevented the unwanted from happening.  To a very large degree, I am out of control.

And I have to make peace with that.

Having a "high risk" pregnancy is teaching me a lot.  I have moments of guilt that come out of nowhere- Did I do something that caused this?  Thankfully, I don't dwell on this as I know there isn't, but it makes me think of all the other women out there who have less-than-adorable pregnancies, or complicated pregnancies, that also feel the guilt.

The guilt of gaining "too much" weight.

Of getting gestational diabetes or preeclampsia.

The guilt of a possible birth "defect" that was detected via sonogram.

Guilt for the exhaustion. For wanting to just stay home in stretchy pants.

Or guilt for needing to get OUT, even if it is in stretchy pants.

Guilt for the roller coaster of emotions you take everyone in your home on.

I look at pictures of myself, even from those first weeks of pregnancy, and I think "I was so cute! I was so in shape! Now look at me!"  I feel giant. Inflated.  I've never been a skinny minnie, but compared to how big I feel now, I looked like a size 2 just a few short months ago!

But I can't live there. I can't dwell on that.  I've had three babies previously and I know... that body can come back.  Kinda. Sorta.

I hear tell that the nasty blue veins will diminish after the baby arrives.

I don't do bikinis, so a Cesarean scar is no big deal.  I hope. Right?

I want to tell all the pregnant girls, Chill! Let it go!  Don't let yourself go, but don't try to control. Stuff is going to happen that you don't like.  Accept it.  Make peace.  Focus on your health and baby's.

My very dear friend and I, due just a week apart!  We have been friends for over eleven years!  I joke that we are Elizabeth and Sarah from the Bible, two old ladies having babies.  I'd say we look a little tired, but we do have a certain glow as well.

Take a nap if you can.

Give in to that craving and for goodness sake, stop mentally calculating every calorie!

Moving, getting out, putting on some make up really will help you feel better.  But it only goes so far.

Embrace the growing belly and the stretchy pants that so comfortably enfold it!

Dream of how much better you'll feel postpartum, but enjoy this glorious process of creating life.  The hiccups (my babe's got em right now!).  The kicks.  The hard spot you can nudge and that responds by moving.

It is such a short, short season.   And I'll be you look a lot cuter than you think or feel.

I've Got a Date

I am officially in my third trimester!

Every week of this pregnancy seems like a victory, and has that strange sensation of going both fast and slow at the same time.  I am in limbo- I want to enjoy the time remaining, but I am also anxious to make it safely- and without drama- to the finish line.

Today I had another doctor's appointment and another sonogram to check the location of that pesky placenta of mine.  I am almost 29 weeks gestation and it had been about seven weeks since my last ultrasound.  When we last checked, the placenta was fully centered over my os (the medical term for opening which sounds less revealing than the word "cervix".   When you're pregnant, it seems all things are a "go" to talk about.)  Today's appointment began with a sweet glucose cocktail that tasted like Hawaiian Punch and then another precious view of my baby.

First things first, the placenta hasn't moved a millimeter.  But it has grown incredibly in size. I was amazed, and alarmed, at how much bigger it is than when I last saw it.  I don't know why the size of it upset me, but I started to feel queasy and hot and out of breath. It was probably the glucose cocktail, combined with laying on my back for the ultrasound.  Thankfully the sonographer caught on and had me roll on my side.

 I admit, I really didn't expect that the placenta would move... nor do I think it will.  The sonographer said it looks like I am the less than 1% of cases when the placenta doesn't move.  It is a complete previa.  And again, that placenta is gigantic.  I'm reminded that with each of my three babies, I've had giant placentas (well nourished babies, my midwife always said).

So, even though I expected this news... and I've expected that this pregnancy will end in a c-section... I was disturbed by all this.  Partially, again, I wasn't feeling well from the glucose drink.  But then I heard the sonographer utter the word "acreta".  That's when the placenta attaches to your uterus. That's when they can't remove the placenta without removing the uterus.  That's when I start freaking out.

No, she wasn't saying I have this condition.  But she was looking for signs of it, admitting, however, that it is very hard to diagnose.  In my favor, I have never had a c-section or any other type of uterine surgery, so this makes my risk very low.

But I'll admit that things are feeling more real now.  I've been reading up, preparing myself for a c-section.  What it entails, what I can expect in recovery.  I don't like what I read.  But I like to be informed.  After gathering as much information as I could handle, I decided to switch gears and start planning for the positives: a new baby!  Gosh, I've had three of them before, but somehow I've forgotten what a baby needs.  Or maybe, after three, I realize how much they don't need.  I've been collecting onesies and gowns and jammies and diapers.  A sweet friends gave me lots of her little boy's outgrown baby clothes and blankies.  I bought an oversized purse at Goodwill to use as a diaper bag (I never used all those diaper bag pockets).  I've also been reading up on breastfeeding, something I truly love doing and something that cheers me right up when I think about this little guy arriving.

In the end, I pray for a healthy baby and to be in good enough medical condition to fully bond and adore on him after his birth.

Thankfully, he looks great big and healthy, just over three pounds thus far.  Because there is no way he can get out "naturally", his Birth Day is scheduled for March 6th, at 37 weeks gestation.  So I've got a date with the OR.  I'm praying he is in the seven pound range at delivery, but again, I just want us both healthy enough to love and snuggle unhindered.

I mentioned before that I didn't- and don't- expect the placenta to move. I've heard of placentas moving as late as 36 weeks, so it is a possibility. And I do not doubt for a moment that God can move it in an instant.  But I have also felt all along that this is a journey the Lord wants to walk us through.  Yes, the circumstances are becoming more real and the details more unpleasant, but what doesn't change is the peace I have.  I was talking to Josh about this on the way home.  If we never go through anything that challenges us or our faith... we are weak and often without compassion for others who are facing hard circumstances.  We may have a lot of words to offer, but little experience with God's faithfulness ourselves.

I would ask for your prayers for a few specifics:

That the baby won't arrive dramatically, before his scheduled delivery.  (After Josh told our doctor I was alarmed by the size of the placenta, he said it is actually a really good thing as it better distributes the weight of the baby over my cervix.  So this turned out to be good news.)

That he will be fully developed and able to breath on his own when he is born.

That my c-section will be undramatic, without the need for a blood transfusion or, worse, a hysterectomy (the bottom of the uterus does not contract on it's own, so excessive bleeding is not unlikely).

That I will recover well and be able to nurse and bond with baby soon after his arrival.


After all today's happenings, I got to have a lunch date with my husband at an Italian cafe my brother recommended.  I thumbed my nose at the glucose screening by getting a giant white chocolate and lemon bar.  I took a little nap once I got home.  I'm nursing a nasty sinus headache right now, but a lavender and eucalyptus steam bath helped a bit with that.  Now I'm going to stay up late with the kiddos on a school night and watch some silly Netflix as we all five snuggle together and keep warm on this cold winter's night.


We've got eight weeks to go til we meet this little guy!

Remembering 2014.. and So Excited for 2015!

2014 was the first year I ever had a "word".  You know, a word for the year. A word that is supposed to be the focus of or the goal for the year.  I didn't really mean to have a word, but as the new year rolled around, I sensed deeply that it was time to live again.

And so the word for 2104 was LIVE.

What do I mean by "live again"? It sounds slightly morbid, or like I went through a terrible ordeal that I needed to come back from.  It sounds... dramatic.

In truth, it's not so dramatic, it's just real.  At that point, we had been in our new house, our new town, at our new church for two years.  And it had been two years of misery for me (minus the six month honeymoon period- getting settled, unpacked, with notions in the back of my head that when all that was done, the reason why we came here would be waiting for us.)  It had been two years of tears, discouragement, despair,   I was starting to think I was depressed enough to need medication.  But then we went to Florida for three weeks and everything was perfect and I snapped right out of the despair.  So I knew it wasn't a chemical problem.

But as soon as we were back home, I was right back where I had been before.Overwhelmed. Discouraged.  Longing to escape.  Escape what? Just... life. And circumstances.  I remember asking Josh "Was I this overwhelmed in (our former home)?" because I wondered if it was just me.   But he could see it too.  Gentle as he is, his answer wasn't "Yeah, you're losing it" but he did admit he noticed I was overwhelmed and not myself.

I remember Christmas Day, trying so hard to hold my emotions together and just enjoy my family, the gifts, the time together. But there was this cloud over me that threatened to ruin every day, even the best of days.  And I had no idea how to move it.

So entering 2014, I just prayed "Lord, help me LIVE again!"  I didn't want to get up every day and sigh and say "This is my life. It will never change. Just accept it and deal with it and get through it." I didn't want to be one of those people Thoreau spoke of when he said

Most men lead lives of quiet desperation and go to the grave with the song still in them.

Not me!  Like George Bailey at the end of It's a Wonderful Life, I prayed 

I want to live again!

I know, it sounds so dramatic. Like a scene from a movie.  It kind of makes me snicker at myself to recount it all this way, but it's what was going on in my heart.

And I didn't know how to change things.  But the Lord did.

2014 began with a long, bitterly cold winter that just wouldn't quit.  I'm no winter-hater, but I really started to after days and days of snow so deep it literally covered our downstairs windows.  And cold so frigid we just couldn't seem to stay warm.

One Sunday morning in February, we bundled the kids up and loaded them in our truck to go to church. At the end of our road are cornfields, barren and flat in winter of course. As we made our way down the road, the wind was howling and veering our big SUV.  It was blowing snow wildly across the road in front of us.  I was cold and cranky and sick of winter and in my heart I thought bitterly:

What are we doing in this God-forsaken place?????

And in an instant, everything changed.  I know, more drama, but it's true.  In that moment, God spoke to me.  Quietly but oh-so-clearly. He said

Look at these fields! They are white for the harvest. Literally white!  Do not call forsaken what I call a harvest.

Wow.  I can't properly express what happened in my heart in that moment, aside from saying that peace and even contentment came in.  Those words from the Lord, spoken to my discouraged, bitter heart, brought me back to life.  They were an assurance, a promise, that God did, indeed, have work for us to do here. That he wasn't done with us.  That a harvest was coming.  And so much more that is still a mystery changed for me.

When I look back on 2014, I am so incredibly grateful for those words from the Lord and for the work that he, only he, could do in me.  I think of how he used the strangest things to start bringing me back to life...

A new family to our church lost their baby at 21 weeks gestation. They had to go through the labor and delivery, the dealings of death.  We went to their home the night before they had their little girl and brought pizza and it all seemed so meager, so weak.  Yet in loving on them, life came back into me.  As we drove home, I cried.  God was using us. We were making new family here at last.

We have a few relationships that are beginning to grow and deepen.

God called me to start a homeschool co-op and has given me perfect peace to let him build it and grow it and add to our numbers as he sees fit.

Our school year is going so much better.  I'm not the crazy, wits end mama I was before.

We're having a baby, a new gift from God.  How about that to LIVE again?

We went to Florida again and this time, I was so thankful and excited to come  home.

Because there is a harvest for us here.  We are sowing right now, sometimes seeds of unknown origin. What will grow of all this, we don't know.

But I look over this past year and see that God is faithful.  What he has promised, he will fulfill.

Looking at this new year that is ahead of us, I am EXCITED!  The cry of my heart is "Lord, I am so hungry and so thirsty for more! Fill me, Lord."

And I fully expect that he will do this work too!

Happy 2015!

Christmas is Worth It

Here's what I'm learning about  Christmas:

It's all worth it.

The choosing of very special gifts for the ones I love.

Even the wrapping of them, which I loathe.

The cookie making and decorating.

The homemade goodies we deliver to the neighbors.

All the cleaning about to be done before the big day and before company arrives.

The money spent, the extra effort put in, the gift of kindness... even if it is never returned or never acknowledged.

Listening to the same songs over and over again, all those old Christmas classics that the kids need to know.

Santa.  Whether we believe in him or not.

All those Elves getting into trouble.  Whether we have one or not.

Jesus.  First and foremost, always.  Whether or not the whole world celebrates Him, we celebrate Him here.

And Hanukkah.  And Kwanzaa.  Even though these are not our holidays, it is okay to offer a wish for those who do to have a Happy Holiday.

Love. Kindness.  Humility.

Those three things I see in the Baby Jesus, meek and mild, lying in a feeding trough when he should be sitting on His throne in heaven.  He cast off his rights.  He denied himself.  He gave the ultimate gift that none of us deserved, that many will never accept or never acknowledge,  He lavished his love upon us that we might become children of God...

This leaves me feeling, knowing, that it is okay to lavish love and joy and kindness on my own children and those around me.

All the extras of this season are worth it.

Costly sometimes.  And I'm not just talking money. I'm talking time.  Forgiveness.  Grace.  Letting go of my plans and my ideas of how things should be.

It really should be a Merry, Merry Christmas and a season of Happy Holidays.

Now, time to clean. Time to cook.  Time to  enjoy the snow softly falling before the rain storm tomorrow.  Time to celebrate.

Face It, Mama

Face it, Mama.

This house is never going to be in a magazine.

It will never really be completely clean.

The toys will always be scattered in front of the wood stove,  And across your bed.  And in all the other spaces you think are yours.

Spills will continue to happen.  On the rugs.  And furniture.

Walls will get dented and dinged.  And colored on.

Dust will settle, but their energy never will.  Unless they get sick.  And then there will be more laundry, more cleaning to do, and less energy for you.

Lights will be left on.  No matter how often you remind them to turn them off.

Showers will be long.  No matter how often you preach to them about the cost of hot water.



Face it, Mama.

There will always be interruptions.

That voice talking to you when you're trying to sleep.  Or write a blog post.  Or go to the bathroom in total privacy.

The mad hunt for lost shoes, uniforms, wallets, and borrowed items.

The sudden projectile vomiting from the back seat on the way to church.

The wet undies from the child who just went potty before you left the house.

The ear infections, broken toes, skin conditions, sore throats, and swollen ears that require a prompt trip to the doctor's office. Despite everything else you had planned for the day.

The knock on your door- or the bursting right in- when you and the husband you love are trying to rekindle a little romance.

The shrieking and screaming that seems to indicate a sudden amputated limb, but really is just the cry of an offended sibling... right after you politely- oh yes, you were polite- asked them to give you just fifteen minutes of peace.  Alone. In your room.



Face it, Mama.

This will never get easier.

First, it was a colicky baby.  A hungry baby who woke at all hours for sustenance.  A snuggly baby who just wanted to be close to mama.  No other arms would do.

Then it was having a biter. Or a hitter.  Or a get-into-everything-er.

Terrible twos.

Potty training.

You survived all that, though you thought you wouldn't.

And then it was separation anxiety.

The child who will sleep nowhere but your own bed.

The chronically sick child.

Food allergies.

Social anxiety.

Over stimulation.

Then, time for school.  The tears, from one or both of you, as they begin this journey away from you each day..  Or the tears, from one or both of you, as you try to teach them at home.

Reading disabilities.

Bullying.

Trying to fit in.

Or to not fit in so much.

And then, puberty.  Hair starts growing in new places.  The "talk".  New smells.  Crazy emotions. Boy meets girl.  Girl meets boy.

Then, getting ready to leave the nest. For good. The stress over financial aid.  And choosing the best schools.  Or choosing college at all. Another cutting of the cord, but this one you feel so keenly.



Face it, Mama.

These children will grow up.  They will, most of the time, leave the nest.

It is hard now.  It will be hard then.

The bestseller can wait.

The ruined furniture doesn't matter.

The things you buy them will be mostly forgotten. The things you can't buy them will be, too.

Your tears will not be in vain.

Everything you gave up for love- your body, your orderly home, your career, your money- will be an investment with returns you may or may not see.

But you will look back and see that it was worth it all.  Anyway.




Face it, Mama.

These children.

They are the only thing you have the chance to take to heaven with you.

You'll get a new body there.  No stretch marks.  No baby weight to lose.

A perfectly prepared home will await you there.

No more tears. No more sadness.  No more sickness.

No more interruptions as you worship together around the Throne.

And the words of your Savior, that you can hardly believe He is saying...

"Well done, Mama, my good and faithful servant.  Enter into your Father's rest."

Peace is the Sweetest

It's been a month since I updated my last post regarding our baby and my placenta previa.  On one hand, I am so private and feel guilty "talking" about it, but on the other hand, I feel like this is a developing story that needs to be shared... because I am fully expecting that the Lord is going to be faithful beyond anything I can imagine. And I want it to be known.

I am not old, just 36, but "older" and having my fourth child.  While lots of women are having their first child around this age, having a fourth child is what many  might consider crazy. Especially when I have three that are already "healthy" and "normal".  Honestly, I thought we were done, but I'm so glad we're not.  Our baby boy is due March 28th.  All along I have prayed that this pregnancy would bring glory to God. I think that is a great and honorable prayer. Especially because I knew that though I wanted it to glorify God by way of healthy exuberance on my part, vibrancy, energy, glowing skin and hair, and joy abounding... I realized in the inner recesses that this pregnancy just  might glorify the Lord by way of some unwanted circumstances.  And that is what the placement of the placenta over my cervix is.

Last week, I met my new doctor and had another sonogram.  I have a new doctor because the previous one is only a general practitioner who delivers babies, but is unable to do c-sections.  I need the care of a full-fledged OB.  I have to confess that I was never fully at peace with the other doctor or delivering at a different hospital than the one where I had the other three.  I fell in love with my new OB immediately (HUGE for me!) and I have so much more peace knowing that I will deliver at the same hospital I am used to.  I have had three all natural, no drug births. I've never seen the inside of an OR.  I don't like the idea of it, but it is the reality.  There is also an amazing NICU on site in case we need it.

The sonogram I just had at 22 weeks reveals a placenta still fully covering the os ("opening") and both the sonographer and the doctor do not feel confident it will move.  So from this point on we consider this pregnancy high risk.  I will start receiving steroids for the baby's lungs at 28 weeks and the doctor plans to deliver the baby between 36 and 37 weeks to avoid preterm labor or serious drama like hemorrhage... and we pray none of that happens before then.

So that is the update, so far.  I have heard stories of the placenta moving completely as late as 36 weeks, so it is possible, but we want to be prepared if it doesn't.

I suppose all of that information could be bad news. But here is the good news:

I have complete peace. The kind the Bible describes as "surpassing all understanding".  When faced with all the facts and potential scenarios of what could happen as this pregnancy progresses, I could be scared out of my mind.  But I am not.  I have moments of worry and concern.  But then the peace comes.  I know that the Lord is with me and that He has this completely under control. I even had this image of HIS hands delivering our baby, pulling him from the womb.  How did I know it was HIS hands in this dream or vision?  I just knew.  It is the Lord's hands that are going to bring this child into the world.  And we are always safe in his hands.

It is the sweetest, most precious thing to have in a situation like this. Peace.

It's all I really need.

It doesn't mean my little guy won't arrive early and have to be in the NICU. It doesn't mean the placenta will move after all. It doesn't mean I won't go through some things I'd rather not go through. It just means that no matter what, He is there and He is in this.

We hear a lot about peace on Earth this time of year.  And I think we'd all agree that there is no global peace on Earth. There isn't even peace in our own nation these days.  But peace with God through his Son Jesus Christ and the peace that surpasses understanding when everything around is uncertain... that is here on Earth, in our hearts as we trust in Him.

We still very much covet your prayers for me and for our baby.  I confess I have no idea how prayer works but I know it changes things and it is especially changes us.  When I pray, I see God working more than when I don't. And I don't think it's because he's not at work if I don't pray, I think it just makes me more mindful of all he IS doing when I do pray.

May God bless YOU with peace, too.  Stay tuned for the rest of the story.

 "And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." Philippians 4:7

Good News Deserves... Prayer!

I have joyful news to report!

We found out on Monday that we are having a baby boy, hopefully in March.  March 28th is my official due date, but I say "hopefully" because...

Baby looks great and is growing just as he should.  We did discover, via ultrasound, that I have complete placenta previa.  This is when the placenta is fully covering the cervix, making it impossible for the baby to be delivered naturally.  I wasn't surprised by this information at all, because I have had bleeding nearly every week of this pregnancy.  Thankfully it has been over three weeks since I've had bleeding, though.  I suspected, after some research, that something might be up with the placenta, as this was a very unusual thing for me to experience. Granted, it's been a while since I had a baby, and I am older, but it still was unusual. In some ways, it was comforting to have a reason for why this was happening.

However, after doing a little more research, I discovered that placenta previa can mean far more than just a c-section.  It can mean a host of dangerous things happening suddenly, like bleeding, even hemorrhage.  Which can lead to early birth via emergency c-section.  There are also even more serious things that can happen, like the placenta attaching itself to the uterus, requiring a hysterectomy in order to control bleeding.

But enough of the scary stuff.  The good news is this isn't the end of the story and there is the possibility that my placenta will migrate north as the baby grows.  He might pull it along with him.  We are asking all our friends and family to pray that this will happen.

I confess, it is really scary to think of what could happen.  But I'm so thankful for the peace that surpasses understanding.  I know that our baby, and I, am safe in the hands of the Lord.  We tend to think that in certain situations we are "safer" than in others.  We are "safe" if our test results come back normal.  We are "safe" if we are wearing our seat belt.  We are "safe" if all our ducks are in a row.

In truth, the Lord is showing me that I am always completely safe with Him in control.  And there is never, ever a moment when He is not.

Recently on Facebook I saw the status of someone I do not know.  You know how that is- you see all these posts from friends of friends, mostly things you don't want to. But this one said something like this: You always wonder how you will respond when such and such a thing happens- cancer, death, other difficult circumstances. You wonder if you will trust in the Lord, as you know you should.  And then the trial comes, the test not much different than what Abraham went through when asked to sacrifice Isaac.  And the Lord carries you. He is your constant presence reminding you that He is still the same loving God who is in control.  And you trust, maybe not perfectly, but His faithfulness provides your faith.

I am thankful that, though I don't like what is and what could be, I can dwell on the truth. His Spirit is with me and ministering truth to me.

Josh and I went out to celebrate after our sonogram. We bought a few things for our baby boy- some long sleeve onesies and a little sleeper with deer on it, a pair of jeans.  We pulled out baby's pictures to admire him.  The mere thought that anything could endanger his health and well-being just strengthens my love for him.  This child I have only seen through ultrasound.  It again just reminds me of how much deeper God's love is for me and how much he cares for our children, too.  This love that we have for our children is just a mere reflection of God's love for us.  And if I feel so fiercely protective of this child, wow... how much more is my Father in Heaven protective of his children.

It doesn't mean things will follow my plan, but it does mean I can fully trust the Lord with my life and my child's.

So we ask you to pray for the very best situation in the coming months.

And we rejoice that  God has seen fit to give us another son!