The Waiting

Tom Petty sang it well.  The waiting is the hardest part.

How often I hear one of my kiddos lament that they just can't wait til tomorrow for their friend to come over. Or they just can't wait  x number of weeks to earn enough money to buy what they want.

And I'm thinking in my head, Get used to it kiddos.  The waiting is part of this worldly life.  Yes, one of the hardest parts.

I shouldn't quote a rock n roller without quoting words more infinitely true and inspired, the words of God written through his prophet Habbakuk.

"Though the fig tree does not blossom, nor fruit be on the vines, the produce of the olive fail and the fields yield no food,  the flock be cut off from the fold and there be no herd in the stalls, yet will I take joy in the Lord. I will rejoice in the God of my salvation." vs 3: 17, 18

This is where I'm at.  Still and again.  Waiting. Waiting on God, who is faithful and true, who keeps all his promises, who never leads me astray. But who does not act in the timing that I think He should act.  Almost never.

I remember waiting, with hope, on this amazing man who is now my husband.  I confess, I didn't have to wait quite as long as I thought I would to become his bride.  From a three week courtship to a three month engagement- that's a pretty quick trip to the altar.  But I remember how even that felt like an eternity.

I remember waiting to sell our former home, hoping every day to receive a call from the realtor that someone wanted to view it.  We got three calls. Third time was the charm. Just 77 days to sell it in a very depressed market, yet every day seemed like forever.

One day, I hope to look back on what is presently almost three years of waiting.  It may be, and probably will be, longer.  But I hope to look back on these three years of waiting for something.  Anything.  That next move, that next step, that act of God that finally makes these dry, desert, lonely years blossom into the fruitful and abundant, the gushing springs.

At this point, there is very little blossom, very little fruit.  Our endeavors seem to wither and fail.   It can be so easy to dwell on the empty places.

And yet.  In the waiting, the joy of the Lord can be our ready strength.  And if we yield to that, there is abundance after all.

Conventional Wisdom 2014

I'm very thankful that nearly every year I get to go to a homeschool convention. In fact, the only year I didn't attend was when my youngest was still a nursing baby.  As welcome as nursing infants are at most anything homeschool, it didn't sound like a fun and refreshing time for me to tote around my seven-month-old.  For the past three years, I've been to conventions outside my home state, mostly because they are larger and nearly the same cost.  A wider variety of speakers and vendors are offered. I consider these getaways an essential part of my journey as a home educating mama.

Over the years, I'm less concerned with how-tos and finding the next great curriculum that's going to revolutionize my homeschool.  I'm in my seventh year of teaching, my children have never been in any other kind of school, and though I often feel like I'm hitting a wall, I've learned that it's usually not long before we find our way around it or over it or maybe we even knock it down. So I find myself going to more of the workshops that promise encouragement.  Workshops with titles like "Lightening the Load" and "Calm My Anxious Heart".  One fabulous workshop I attended last year was on keeping your own love of learning alive.

I'm encouraged just by being in the presence of so many other homeschooling families.  I marvel, truly, that so many of them bring their whole family!  Babies through teens, dad too.  I think it's wonderful, but I personally enjoy making this once-a-year getaway a girls' getaway.  (Josh and I will celebrate our anniversary with a getaway shortly and the kiddos will get away to Camp Nana.)  I've always enjoyed the diversity at these conventions, particularly these larger ones in big New England cities like Hartford and Worcester.  There are prayer caps, saris, veils, yarmulkes.  There are long skirts, a few short skirts, plenty of jeans. Tons of other moms are wearing those fabulous knee high boots that I can't even zip up.  In this group of people, I feel I am perhaps one of the more liberal attendees.  I don't want to be convinced to join a family integrated church, to shun all sports and clubs, or to throw away my son's Captain Underpants books.  I don't want to amp up my arsenal of creation vs. evolution arguments.  I don't want to hear anything political, even as regards parental rights or homeschooling laws. I simply wish to go and be reminded that I have made the right decision to homeschool my children.  To have someone tell me that all the little things I worry about (doing enough, balancing it all, teaching another child to read) will be just fine.

And I love to eat food I didn't have to cook.  To waste time in the vendor hall.  To be given a chance to miss my children.

So, I'll share my short list of the most profound things I "learned" at this year's convention:

Number One: Ditch the books after Easter.  This advice came from Carlita Boyles, creator of Math on the Level.  She is a veteran public school teacher and homeschool mom.  As a public school teacher, she said nothing was retained after Easter break. So as homeschool parents, she encouraged us to fill those days with less book work and more hands on, fun learning, even if it meant finishing our days on weekends or summer field trips.  Truth is, I probably won't ever ditch the books after Easter, but it is incredibly freeing to be reminded that I can. And that our days get to be whatever I think they should be.  And that great learning is taking place outside the books.

Number Two: Chore basket.  I am an absolutely horrible maintainer of the chore chart.  Chore charts make too much work for me.  I don't follow through with enforcing them or paying for chores. Obviously, I want my children contributing to the household chores.  And I realized I may be provoking them to wrath by not paying them their allowance consistently (even if they are not doing their chores consistently). So, I came home with a new plan to try, this idea also from Carlita Boyles.  I stapled two paper plates together to form a container, leaving the top unstapled to make enough room to stick a hand inside and grab a chore card (I already have these from the unused chore chart).  I made another container for pay tickets.  Each ticket has an amount on it, mostly 25 cents, some a little less, a few 50 cent tickets, and two $1 tickets.  First they choose a chore ticket, complete it, and get their work checked. Then they draw a pay ticket and immediately get paid.  So far, the kids have not even been asked to do a chore, but the entry has been cleaned and swept, a bathroom cleaned, family and play room picked up, wood box filled, and living room swept, and I've paid out about $2 (Mister got lucky and drew a $1 ticket the first time).  They love getting paid immediately. There have been no complaints even for a 15 cent pay ticket.  While it's too soon to tell if this will be a long lasting plan of attack, for now, my house feels so much tidier, the kids are proud of their work, and pleased with their pay.

Number Three: Don't go upstairs if you don't have to.  This was another incredibly freeing lesson to learn, this time from Denise Eide, a speaker I had never heard before, and also creator of a curriculum I had never heard of before called Logic of  English.  She was confessing many of the things she is anxious about, even little things like the cracked linoleum in her entry way.  She also confessed that she has a large, older home with four bedrooms upstairs and the master bedroom downstairs... and that she almost never goes upstairs in her house. Because she homeschools, runs a home, a curriculum business, and is a conference speaker.  And when she goes upstairs and sees the mess, it stresses her out.  And she just doesn't need the added stress, so she rarely goes up there.  This resonated with me so much, especially because I very recently thought that I just needed to not go into the "kids wing" of the house or even the family room, which is upstairs as well, because the state of disorder makes me, seriously, spazzy.  If I just go up the stairs, hang a quick right into my bedroom, and ignore the rest, life is more peaceful. If my downstairs is fairly tidy, I am happy.  Hearing another mom echo my own thoughts made me feel better about this.

Number Four: Fancy curriculum isn't necessary.  I am an absolute curriculum junkie. In fact, once I heard Denise Eide and then checked out this never-before-seen curriculum, I wanted it.  Because it looks so cool and fun and shiny and new. But, I heard this little voice many, many times at the convention:  I don't always need a new curriculum. In fact, many things I teach can be taught without a curriculum.  I'm quite happy with much of what I'm using. Rod and Staff English isn't fancy, it's Mennonite after all, but it's a great fit for both of my older children.  I teach spelling with a used copy of Spelling Power and Phonics Pathways.  I teach writing from my own knowledge of the subject.  We'll watch Sister Wendy for free on youtube for extra art history.  I'll get most of our read alouds from Goodwill.  Penmanship is integrated, not it's own subject.  I want to use every curriculum under the sun, from this new Logic of English, to IEW, to History Revealed, to every Sonlight core.  But we're good with what we've got.

That's this year's convention in a nutshell, from my perspective. As always, a great and necessary time away.

 And now, back to  year seven of homeschooling.

Stuff I Love - Natural Edition

I'm a junkie, in case you didn't know.  Okay, maybe not as bad as some people, but I am a supplement/natural remedy/natural product junkie.  I finally put a name on it when I received my last shipment from Vitacost.  Josh laughed.

When other people go to the doctor, I go to the Internet.  I go on a search for something, anything that will keep us from going to the doctor's office. Not because we don't have insurance. We do. And it's really good insurance.  But I guess I just have a lot of faith in natural medecine and, well, less faith in modern medecine. Unless I suspect we need antibiotics, we don't go for any reason but regular check ups.  Granted, we've been really healthy.  But maybe it's all those supplements and natural remedies (?).

I'm not bashing the doctor's office. It's just not my preferred method of getting better.

There are some stellar, amazing products out there that I just love and this post is all about them- some Stuff I Love, Naturally.

First and foremost, my favorite toothpaste in the world:

Desert Essence Tea  Tree Oil toothpaste is amazing and when purchased from one of my favorite online retailers, it costs about as much as a fancy tube of whitening Crest but is far better for your teeth and gums and overall oral health.  Even my hygienist noticed a remarkable difference when I started using it, and that was before I had my braces and my teeth were harder to care for due to crowding.  My oral health is so much better since chucking the big name stuff.  Popular toothpastes are full of bad, bad stuff that dries your mouth out and creates an even worse environment.  Bacteria breed happily and profusely in dry mouths.

Another product I love, also by Desert Essence, is their Tea Tree Balm, sold in a little 1 oz pot.  I've had this pot for quite a while. A little dab will do ya with this amazing balm.  I put it on cuts and scrapes, bug bites, itches, almost anything skin related. It is a potent and natural alternative to typical antibacterial lotions. You can even put a tiny bit on facial blemishes.  This stuff is worth so much more than it sells for, in my opinion.

Everything I have tried by Desert Essence I love (except their dental tape- a bit too thick to be comfy for most people's mouths). Their lotions are paraben and SLS free and rich and creamy. They cost less than the lotion from Bath and Body Works and is far more natural and safer to slather on.   I also love their mouthwash- it's not sweet or harsh on the mouth.

With all this talk of tea tree oil products, I should mention that a bottle of tea tree oil itself is a must have. It's inexpensive and you can mix up your own toothpaste, mouthwash, and balms with it.  You can dab a little on a cotton swab or ball and apply it to bug bites. I even swab some directly on my gums once a week or so and then rinse with water or mouthwash.  It is a fantastic, all  purpose, healthy oil to have on hand.


I've never had any luck losing weight by drinking shakes, but since I'm not a breakfast eater, a good healthy shake is a great way to get some food into me when I'd rather not eat.  The best shake I've found at the most reasonable cost is Alive Pea Protein shakes, sold in both vanilla and chocolate. I love that they are soy-free and relatively low in sugar. Plus they are loaded with vitamins,minerals, and other great things like a veggie blend, orchard blend, and green blend.  Best of all, it leaves me satisfied for a long time.  I know Shakeology is all the rage now and I've heard great things about it. I just can't justify the cost when the Alive shake is such a great product at a third of the cost.  Also, I try to avoid soy, which is Shakeology's main protein component. Not knocking it, but the Alive shake is my preference.

One of the recent things I've grown to love is powdered peanut butter! I had heard of it, but couldn't imagine why you'd use it. I assumed it had as much fat and calories as regular peanut butter. Boy was I wrong!  Two tablespoons of powdered peanut butter has only 45 calories and 1.5 grams of fat... but tastes just like two big scoops of peanut butter in my morning shake. My local Walmart is now carrying it right alongside regular peanut butter, at about $4.50 a jar for 15 servings. Not too shabby and what a great way to save substantial fat and calories (though I have very few bad things to say about fat.)

I've long hated using commercially made deodorants due to the aluminum, among other nasty ingredients.  But frankly, none of the natural, aluminum free deodorants I've purchased have worked. At all.  They just make me feel wet and stinky.  The closest I've come to making my own deodorant is putting some rubbing alcohol on a cotton ball and swabbing my underarms. This does work pretty well because it kills bacteria, but I find I need a little more protection as the day progresses.  In my search for something that could work, and be better for me, I heard about Nature de France deodorants. The reviews were the best I've ever seen for aluminum free deodorant so I decided to give it a shot.  I have to say, this is a fantastic natural deodorant. I still swab with alcohol first, then apply it.  No, it is still not quite as good as popular brands, but it is far better than anything else I've tried.  And even if I start feeling a little wet under the arms, I don't get stinky.

The last product I'll share may be a little controversial, as it involves hormones, but it's been a miracle for me.  I had a miscarriage several years ago at about 12 weeks gestation and it left my hormones totally out of control. Night sweats and hot flashes were the main symptoms.  I waited a while, assuming they would go away, but they didn't.  I did talk to my nurse/midwife about it and I asked if going on the Pill would help. I  was very leery to do this, but desperate to regain balance.  In the end, I took it for a month, then never again.  I did lots of research on what particular hormone imbalance I had and got lots of different answers.  So, perhaps this is bad, but I began some trial and error "research". I began with a progesterone cream, which is often touted as the "cure-all", but it didn't help me at all.  Then I stumbled upon Life-Flo Estriol-Care cream.  It got fairly high reviews and the information about the type of natural estrogen it employs deemed it very safe.  Again, I was desperate, so I ordered it.

And all I can say is, my night sweats are gone completely.  It worked instantly.  I still have a few hot flashes now and then, but typically only when I haven't used the cream.  I do not in any way want to diagnose someone else's problem, and I want to say, for the record, that I'm having a full physical and blood panel done soon, but this product has been amazing for me.  And I think it is little known.  However, I do find it interesting that I've seen it popping up more and more in recent information I've been reading on hormones. I'm extremely thankful for this product and it's is worth every penny!

So there you have it, a few of the things I LOVE!  All of these are available from Vitacost at great prices and some on Amazon too.  And I don't receive a penny for saying that.

Strengthen Your Arms

A few weeks ago I mentioned that I was at the point of wanting to quit homeschooling.  I reserved the rest of the story for another blog post. This blog post.

I've been able to reflect on some of the factors that brought me to that place where I just wanted to quit. Deep inside, I didn't want to give up. I love that I get to homeschool my kids.  I even knew I wouldn't give up.  I can't fathom placing my children in any other kind of school at this time.  It would just be wrong.  For no other reason than this: God has called me to do it.  It's not just something I do when it's fun and I'm seeing how it benefits us.  It's obedience to the mission and ministry God has given me.  To not do this would be wrong.

That's why it felt so much worse, so desperate a situation.  My will to do it was diminishing.  When I looked toward the future, I dreaded doing it day after day after day. I feared that every one of those days would be like the ones I had been experiencing lately.

There were some decidedly selfish and immature attitudes going on.  There was fighting.  Tempers got lost, including my own.  Tears were shed.  Everything, everyone felt like a lost cause.

But this was just the way it all manifested itself.  Here were some of the deeper issues going on inside me:

The two-year "anniversary" of our move had arrived.  And along with it came the discouragement, loneliness, confusion, depression, and lots of other tough feelings to swallow.  What are we doing here?

It was the weekend and Josh had to work, so I was alone a lot.

I hadn't exercised in a few days and I was eating way too much of the food my body doesn't like.

My blood sugar would spike, then drop.  No doubt some hormones were involved in this whole mess.

I wondered, do I need some medication to help me?  Because nothing seems good right now. Nothing.

Monday was just an awful day of school.  It was then that I began to vocalize that I just had no will to do this anymore.  I don't want my relationship with my children to be signified by this angst we have about math or by fighting with them to get their school work done.  I start to see all the ways I'd be a better mom and have a better relationship with my children if we weren't together all the time.  I'd get to greet them with cookies after school and let the teachers deal with their bad attitudes and laziness.  It sounded heavenly.

And yet, so wrong.

When I finally had the chance to get it all out with Josh, I was feeling a little calmer, a little more rational.  But I still went to bed depressed.

Things got better the next few days, probably because Josh was home and  helping to share the load. And things are just right when he's here.  It gave me some breathing room and time to come down from my ledge.

One of the major factors in this whole situation was that I wasn't taking care of myself.  I had skipped some days of exercise. I was eating too much carbohydrate, which makes me feel tired, cranky, and frustrated with myself when the effects on my blood sugar hit.  My time on the treadmill is decompression time. It's my time to either zone out to some great music, or pound out all the thoughts in my head and make sense of them.  Many of my blog posts are sorted out and "written" while I run.  It's where God so often speaks to me and makes things clear.  If I'm feeling "off" emotionally, and I can't figure out why, I usually have by the time I'm off the treadmill.  The exercise is just as much for my mental health as my physical.

I'm alone a lot. I'm an introvert, so I'm recharged by being alone, but I also need people.  I need other women in my life- sometimes to bare my soul, sometimes just for a good laugh and a cup of coffee.  When too many days go by and I haven't connected with someone, I start bearing more burdens than I'm meant to. Fellowship helps me unload the stuff that's too heavy to carry alone or at all.

It is really, really hard to prioritize taking care of yourself.  First, who has the time to exercise and plan a healthy menu?  And then, who has the money to buy all the special foods you need on all these new diets?  And, isn't it selfish?  Isn't me-time pretty much taboo?  Die to yourself, mama.  Your life is not your own.  Don't grow weary in doing good.  Don't let that candle go out at night and rise up early to take care of your household.

I get up every morning and all I want is a cup of coffee and my Bible.  I groan at the thought of putting on my sneakers and exercising.  It's tough, but when I get up really early and have a house full of peace and quiet, it is so worth it.  I get the recharging I need for a new day because I'm alone and uninterrupted.  I warm up to the idea of working out and feel that I have plenty of time to do it before school begins.  I feel fantastic by the time I hit the shower because I have taken care of me AND I'm running on schedule, ready to take care of my family for the rest of the day.

But then there are the days I sleep in a little and I have my coffee and my time with the Lord and I look at the clock and I just don't think I have enough time to exercise.  I'm running behind and I like to run on schedule.  Type A? I don't know, what am I?  My husband says I'm an ISTJ.  So I always ask him which letter of my personality is operating when I'm ticked off because we're not on schedule.

But the bottom line is that I need to take care of myself and it needs to be a priority.  Perhaps it's wrong that so much of my mental well-being rides on my diet and physical activity.  But taking care of myself pays huge dividends when it comes to my outlook on life and my ability to care for the ones God has given me.  I take care of me by reading my Bible and praying each day.  But let me be honest, it doesn't make my day better.  It doesn't make the kids stop fighting or the dishwasher snap out of it's funk of not working when I want it to.  It doesn't change the reality of life spent at home and the ensuing mess, chaos, and crumbs!  I do this every morning because it slowly, imperceptibly changes me.  And I am a weak and weary mama most days who's only strength comes by the grace of God, building me up line upon line, precept upon precept.

I've been exercising faithfully for over six months now.  Let me debunk a few myths.  You don't have more energy when you start exercising.  Not right away.  It took several months for my energy levels to rise.  One day I realized I wasn't completely exhausted in the afternoon.  At first, you'll probably feel terrible.  You'll be so tired it won't seem worth it. You'll especially be tired if you're limiting your calories too much or eating the wrong foods (you figure out what those are for your body.  It's different for each of us).  I've lost some weight and lost some love handles, but I've found that eating too little has it's disadvantages.  I need fuel to get through every day without crashing.

When I began working out, I was part of challenge group, and one of our assignments was to figure out our "why" for  eating better and working out and share a picture that represented it.  That was a tough one for me.  There wasn't a celebrity body I wanted to look like.  I didn't want to run a 5K.  I just wanted the energy and strength to do what God had called me to do.  The verse from Proverbs 31: 17 came to mind. I love all the versions of it:

She sets about her work vigorously; her arms are strong for her tasks.  NiV

She is energetic and strong; a hard worker.  NLT

She girds herself with strength and makes her arms strong.  NASB

She draws on her strength and reveals that her arms are strong.  Holman

The Proverbs 31 woman is an elusive ideal, but the heart of this woman is that she did well the things  God called her to do.  Taking care of her family, servants, and property required strength, in more ways than one.  She took the time to make her arms strong. She had strength to draw on.

I need that too. That is why I exercise and make the attempts I do to eat well.  It benefits my family, and that's not selfish.

I've discovered in the past few months that taking care of myself is something only I can do.  It can't wait til tomorrow, my husband can't do it for me.  It's my responsibility alone.  When I neglect to, I find myself spiralling down an emotional black hole, with Oreos and Cheez-Its my only companions.

So the purpose of sharing this is several-fold.  

To tell you I'm weak.  I'm frail.  I'm desperate most days.  Maybe you are too.

And it's okay to be.

That's why you've got to take care of yourself, Mama.  Mrs.  Miss.  You've got to.

There are people who love you and need you and they'll probably be thrilled to see you take some time and a little money to strengthen your own arms.  They can't do it for you, so you must do it yourself.

When you want to quit what God has called you to do, don't.   Wait. Perspective will come.  If you can, let Calgon take you away to wherever it is you'd like to go to get that perspective.  Call a friend or your sister.
Put a movie on for those crazy kids and don't feel guilty about it.  Get your hair cut (step away from the scissors! Don't do it yourself!)  Research workout videos and get one.  Just do it for a few weeks and don't worry about eating less, just better.  Chuck your schedule (if called into question, I never, ever actually said that) and steal whatever time you can to do something you enjoy. Carve out some time every day. Trust that it's doing something good.

Don't believe the myths that say a good Christian woman shouldn't need anything but Jesus.  In principle, yes, it's true.  He is your all-in-all. But discover the Jesus who feasted, celebrated, laughed with his friends, climbed mountains, took time off to pray, considered the lilies and the rest of creation, and travelled the country.  And if there was coffee back then, a million bucks says he drank it.  With delight.

So whether you eat or drink or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God.
1 Corinthians 10:31

60 Days Into a Challenge....

For the past 60 days I've been part of a Beachbody Challenge group, working out with a program called Turbofire.  There are five of us, plus our coach, working out together, encouraging each other, confessing our struggles- things that go beyond the temptation to shove mass quantities of cookies in our mouth.  Hormones, bad weather, kids, work, even death.  We're women and I find how very much we have in common, no matter our age, marital status, number of children, careers, spirituality, or jeans size. 

We get tired.  But we have this ability to push so hard no matter how exhausted we are.

We've been hurt.  But we know we need to forgive if we're ever going to be whole.

We want to be beautiful.  And we sense this goes far deeper than our weight, the structure of our face, and even deeper than skin.

We want to do something that's bigger than us, more important than us. Leave a legacy to our children, fight the bad guys, love unconditionally.

It's been such a learning experience.  A quest not just for a better, stronger body, but a quest for wholeness and peace.  The workouts, sure, they are tough. They kick our butts some days. But the mental and emotional work, the sweat dripping from your eyeballs some days... we all know that's more than sweat.  Sometimes they're real tears.  Because mentally, emotionally, we're working out too.

Sweat is just your fat crying, right?

In 60 days I've lost 9 pounds and 10 inches.  My pants are looser, my love handles are no longer squeezing out over the waist of my jeans, getting dressed is easier.  Hiding the extra weight around my middle was getting hard and consuming too much of my thoughts and emotions. I'm thankful that my hips are typically the first place I lose the weight.

However, my thighs are typically the last place where I lose the weight. I'm sure it's genetic or at least it's how God built me.  Wearing a bathing suit still isn't a pleasure, thanks to all the attention the legs get.  You can cover the tummy, minimize or maximize your bust, but legs take center stage in any kind of swimsuit, even one with a skirt or shorts.  Sigh. 

I've learned a lot in the past 60 days, some things I'd like to share. Some I've learned from others, some are personal to me and not to be compared to.  Just my own observations and things that have "sweat" out of me.

First, I'm learning how I like to exercise.  The experts say you should find an activity you enjoy and do it.  I've found that I enjoy Turbofire with its kicks and punches and fun music (music is highly motivating to me) but I also really love running on the treadmill.  I love putting on my headphones and staring straight ahead and getting in a zone. I don't have to think about steps or punches, just running.  I can get lost in the music or do some deep thinking. I can get aggression out.  I also enjoy training with weights, though mixed with cardio.  I don't want to do a half hour of weight lifting. I like to mix it up.  So, essentially, I get bored easily!  I want to Turbo some days, run on others, and do a mix of weights and cardio sometimes too.  I have exercise ADD.

Second, it's impossible to have a body like any other person.  I'll always have stretch marks. Exercise won't change the perkiness of my chest.  Saddlebags could quite possibly be in my DNA.  Aspiring to look like any one else or achieve the results of anyone else is just frustrating and impossible.  I have to constantly keep my goal of being the healthiest and strongest me as the main thing.

And that leads me to my third discovery.  It really is about being healthy. I really don't want a skinny body that badly.  I want a healthy weight. I want a healthy heart. I want to gain lean muscle (mostly so I can eat a little more. Muscle burns more calories.)  I want strong bones.  I want healthy joints.  I want good levels of blood sugar, cholesterol, and blood pressure. I'm halfway to 40 on Saturday and I know for sure these things get less stable as we age, particularly if we're not being proactive.  I don't want to lose my quality of life due to illness, if it's within my control. There's plenty that isn't within my control.  I recognize that.  What I stuff in my mouth and how active I am- that's within my control.

Also, food is my nemesis.  I love it. I know very few people who don't love food.  I don't get those people who don't love chocolate.  Seriously? I mean, I don't love it as much as coffee, but it's darn good.  Carrot cake, fresh baked bread, a good steak, this cheese dip at my favorite restaurant... I just love it. I love cooking.  A girl's gotta eat.   But I've got to make peace with a few things about food.  Number one, some foods don't make me feel good.  I've discovered wheat makes my legs so sore, I can't exercise the way I want to and it zaps my energy.  So on most days, like all the ones except when I go out for that favorite cheese dip, I need to stay away from it.  Secondly, food is fuel and it can be really tasty in that form.  It's really, really tasty as filler, but this girl needs fuel.  I've got three kids. I need power.  But I'll also enjoy some Lindt 85% cacao chocolate too.  Having too many things on my "Thou  Shalt Not Eat It" list sets me up for depression and burn-out.   Because, like it or not, food is closely connected to everything in life.  And I'm on the "like it" side of that camp.

I'm also learning that no one can do this for me.  I'm grateful for the support of my husband, my challenge team, my coach, my friends, but I've got to do this.  I've got to prioritize my health.  This is difficult because I can be lazy, I can mentally burn-out, and I get bored.  But more commonly, I don't make it a priority because I struggle with where this priority is on the hierarchy.  I've already got so many important things to do in a day.  My first priority and true desire in the morning is to get up and read my Bible and journal.  It's me, Jesus, and a cup of coffee. And I don't like to rush it.  I like at least an  hour. Sometimes I push in on two.  I get up early on purpose, but within this time the kids get up. They put on the TV or their game systems.  It niggles in the back of my mind that if now I go exercise, once my Bible time is over, then they'll be on their electronics, on their own, for another hour.  I don't want to cut my quiet time short, but I don't want to skip my workout.  I've done some working out in the afternoons or evenings.  I try to remain flexible. But I'm the type of personality that likes a schedule and order.  And I feel guilty taking this time away from my kids. 

At times I wonder if I really have more energy because working out can take a lot out of me.  Again, I'm learning through this.  Some days I naturally have more energy. Other days, I'm amazed and frustrated by my lack of it.   I cannot deny the power of hormones and other invisible forces in my body.  I also can't deny the need for food energy and the power that too much carbohydrate has over me, physically and mentally.   I'm still learning what my body likes best and true to females, your guess is as good as mine on any given day.  Some days I feel satisfied by that handful of almonds and other days I am having a tantrum at myself for not buying that whoopee pie at the grocery store!

So where am I at?  What have I decided?  Where do I go from here?  Well, I have thirty more days of being committed to Turbofire.  After that I plan to continue exercising five days a week, probably with a mixture of things as I mentioned above, until I decide on perhaps another 90 day challenge.

This is what I know.  I need to take care of myself in order to care for the ones I love.  I need all the energy I can get ahold of.  I know I haven't figured this whole thing out, but thanks to this challenge, I'm no longer standing still... I'm moving forward.

Treasures from the Retreat

I just spent a wonderful weekend at a ladies retreat, soaking up the treasures of God's Word with girlfriends, cups of coffee, and yes, chocolate.  These are some of the simplest joys in my life- rising up early to spend time reading my Bible, sipping a strong cup of coffee (in a giant mug) and what a bonus joy to be among so many "God-fearing women".  Our speaker was my very favorite Debbi Bryson, a woman just so full of love and encouragement and the Holy Spirit, I just long to be like the Jesus I see in her.  She shines Jesus- the Jesus that isn't frugal with his blessings, the Jesus that hunts down the hurting and the sinful, the Jesus that will transform your life.

There is always an expectation that God will meet with you at a retreat like this- and there should be.  That's why we retreat from our everyday lives and go to these things. To hear from the Lord without the distraction of the dirty pile of dishes, the phone ringing, and cries for mommy.  Though we still find plenty of things to distract us from what matters most...

 I can't say that I had an earth-shattering encounter with God over the weekend, but I certainly came home with my cup full and overflowing.  One thing I've learned over the years is that I don't need to rely on a retreat to meet with God.  I get to meet with him every day and every day is an opportunity for something earth-shattering to happen between us.  In fact, I think that is how He would prefer it.  The daily time spent together is where intimacy is built, much like in marriage.  It is the daily where we learn the little things about our spouse like how they take their coffee, how their day was, what's bugging them.  Occasionally, rarely, we have a getaway, a night or two alone, and it's glorious.  We rediscover how much we LIKE each other. We get to talk without interruption from the children. Intimacy is unhindered.  I wish every day could be like these getaways, but the truth is we have to keep doing what we can keep doing...  and we can't escape every day.

Not with our spouse and not with the Lord.

A relationship is built day-by-day.

So I wasn't offended that God didn't give me earth-shattering news while at this retreat. He surely swept me off my feet as I worshipped him and as the Word of God was opened and new treasures revealed.  I brought a few questions to him that He gave me answers to.

One: Do you want me to have another baby?  Am I ignoring you? Am I missing your call?
 Answer:  Don't stress, girl.  We're together every day. If I want you to know something, I'll tell you and you won't miss it.

Two:  What do you want me to do?  What is my destiny?
Answer: There's a lot you don't know yet, but one thing I want you to do is teach the younger women and be taught yourself by older women.

Three:  Why'd you make me this way? Why'd you make me a leader?  Cause it seems like we need more followers.
Answer: You are fearfully and wonderfully made and I made you on purpose and FOR purpose. Just you hold on and see...

Isn't the Lord so good?  He is just so sweet to me.  He loved on me and whispered in my ear sweet-somethings while I was away with him, things that help sustain me through the dailiness and remind me, Oh I sure do LOVE him still.  He's so good to me.  

It gets me thinking that a relationship with Jesus is not meant to be hard.  So often I find myself straining to hear him, but only when I'm pressing a certain topic.  When I relax and come to Him open to receive anything, I always receive.  I stress over things that aren't stressing Him.  Like babies.  He's not a God of numbers... He's a God of Wonders.  He's not more pleased with the church of five thousand than he is the church of 50.  He's not more pleased with the family of five than he is fifteen... and counting.

A relationship with Jesus isn't meant to be accessed occasionally.  There's no ritual to go through before entering his presence.  All he really wants is me.  Even if it's been weeks since we last talked, we can pick right up again... no shame necessary.  But, oh, I miss him when I'm away.  I really do.  The most exciting part of my day is the time that I open up my Bible and receive those wonderful treasures inside it.